Resume

40 year old seeks employment. Currently managing the affairs of two reasonably independent children and good-humored husband, but finds that she needs a reason to put on “real” pants every day.

Hours must be flexible and allow for before and after school presence in the home in order to prevent teenage shenanigans, ie. vandalism, pregnancy, drug use, misuse of kitchen appliances.  Candidate is seeking a position that does not require the direct care of other human beings of any age.

Candidate is able to accomplish a minimum of fifteen tasks simultaneously, with attention to quality. Additional “Pinterest-worthy” cuteness available on projects upon request. Skill set is diverse and continues to expand. Skills include but are not limited to:

  • Negotiation
  • Mediation
  • Bribery
  • Culinary Creations for multiple food allergies
  • The Finding of “LOST” Objects, usually within 10 seconds
  • Smiling on the outside/screaming on the inside
  • Moving entire rooms of large furniture without assistance
  • Dancing like nobody’s watching, even if someone is watching
  • Detecting Bullsh*t from a mile away
  • Telling it like it is

Formal Qualifications include:

  • Bachelor of Arts in Liberal Studies
  • Study of Watercolor, Acrylic and Oil painting; pen and ink drawing
  • The publication of several articles in education journals that no one reads
  • Public school teacher, preschool teacher, tutor

In spite of her advancing age, the candidate still gets carded occasionally for alcohol at the grocery store and is able to learn new skill sets quickly. If given the opportunity, the candidate feels that she could exceed expectations, particularly in the following areas:

  • Putting people in their place, gently and with no hard feelings
  • Giving advice that no one wants to hear but everyone needs
  • Inspiring creative, out of the box thinking, particularly in the apathetic
  • Reminding others of their mother in a comforting way
  • Creating a tax-reform, education, and Health Care plan that would work for the majority of Americans and dissolve current political tensions

Career aspirations include, but are not limited to:

  • Project management, advertisement and logo creation, clever turns of phrase, explanations of things that adults should understand but somehow don’t
  • Getting paid for writing or art instead of doing it for free
  • Becoming a general icon of some sort, preferably timeless style and elegance

If interested, please just text the candidate. She doesn’t bother listening to voicemail, and sometimes her email inbox doesn’t get checked for days. Referrals available upon request, but include handmade cards from children that may have grammatical errors and glitter.

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